How to Deal with Loss and MS - Episode 1
This is episode one of the Striving to Thrive Podcast [Women with MS]. Jen DeTracey tells her story about dealing with loss and MS. Then she shares a six step process on how to move through loss while living with Multiple Sclerosis.
Links - Women Thriving with MS
6 Step Process - How to Deal with Loss and Letting Go [with MS]
- Recognize the loss
- Identify the feelings that arise. Allowing yourself to feel them fully.
- Embracing the reality. i.e. no longer able to run
- Accept the loss or change knowing, you don't have to like it
- Asking what is possible instead? Inviting other ideas, option and alternatives?
- Giving your brain the opportunity to provide you the answers.
Full Transcript
This is the women's Striving to Thrive with MS Podcast. And I'm Jen, DeTracey the founder of Women Thriving with MS. And today I'm going to tell you a story about how I've dealt with loss, as well as share with you a six step process on how I have been able to move through loss since living with multiple sclerosis.
Have you owned a sofa that you just love?
It's maybe worn out even falling apart, but you just don't want to replace it because it's so comfortable. It's like a piece of you. When my sweetie and I were out house hunting a few years back, we fell in love with a place that we live in now. And the owner at the time Kathy had staged it just to make this cute little home with big rooms,
look even more spacious. And one of those rooms is now my Jen den. And at the time it had a beautiful, modern seafoam colored sofa nestled under a large window at the front of the house. And this made the room for me even more inviting. It was like the hook of wanting to live in this space. Kathy, "I'm just wondering,
can I buy this sofa from you?" "Well, you know, it, you can get one just like it, at Structube for a few hundred dollars, Jen." "Yeah, but I don't want to have to put it together. It's like a big job to do that." "Well, all you have to do is screw on the legs and a super easy." "Oh,
really? Okay. And it opens up a sofa bed?" "Yeah, yeah, absolutely." And I thought like what a perfect guest bed for visitors and a place that I can hang out in my, in my Jen den. So soon as the moving date was set, guess what I did. I ordered that exact sofa, same color. It was the only one left in stock at the time.
And when it arrived, it came in a big box and I put it up against the wall for at least a month. Cause, I needed to figure out how I was going to make things work in my space. I wanted to make sure that the carpet, which has this beautiful brown and blue in it was going to work with where the sofa was.
I needed to make sure I had my stretching and meditation space with my little meditation alter to make everything work. And then I am packed it. And it was, it was easy to do. I just have to screw on those legs and set it up and it looked amazing. It was a perfect fit. And I was just like, this is going to be great.
And then I sat on it. Then I understood why it was only $300. It wasn't comfortable. And then I flattened the back to make it into the sofa. And I laid on it when you got the crack right down the center there, and it was not comfortable at all. Well, fast forward, about a month and a half as we moved in,
in mid-November. And it was Christmas time and my parents were coming and of course we offered to give them our bedroom with our new queen size bed. So I thought, how can I make this little sofa comfortable for both of us? So I laid a thick piece of foam on the sofa bed and put the sheets on. And truthfully this sofa was not big enough for two people.
I was really a one person sofa, but we squished in there and I slept right next to the window, squished up against the wall on an angle. And I have to say for those two nights, we did not sleep very well. And I realized at this point that this sofa bed would not work for hosting guests, but then COVID hit and we weren't allowed to have guests.
So I was able to just really enjoy how the sofa looked in my lovely Jen den and just appreciate it. I'd sit on that sofa facing the back, look out my window. So sitting the opposite way in a sense, if you can imagine that. I'd be looking out the window at the pine tree with all the little chickadees as they were sitting on it chirping,
I'd watch the people walk by on the street and I'd stay there. And I talked to my friends family on the phone, oh, I really liked it. And if I really wanted to rest, I could curl up into a little ball without folding it down and have a brief little snooze. And that worked well. So as you can imagine, I became quite attached to my seafoam sofa and I used it to sit on for my videos for Women,Thriving with MS for my YouTube channel and Facebook lives. The reality was that I knew that that time would come to an end because I knew that I'd need to replace it with something more comfortable. And I didn't want something that was like big and bulky, like a big sofa bed. So my sweetie and I decided that we'd get a futon sofa, which I have to admit is not nearly as attractive.
Probably a lot less attractive actually. Let's face it, it's practical and way more comfortable as a guest bed. For me, having guests come and stay at my home is really important to me. So, you know, I made it a priority. And just this past Monday, I said to my sweetie, Hey, let's go to the futon store on Wednesday because it's less busy than the weekend.
And once we agreed to do that, I took all the piles of junk that I had laid on the sofa, which is, was very handy to have that as a shelf per se, because it had become a dumping ground for my stuff. And I set up a little mini photo shoot with my cell phone, being sure to enhance that beautiful seafoam color and the style of the sofa,
showing it from many angles with its sexy legs. I measured it up and I posted it on a Facebook Marketplace for half price and it looked brand new and the pictures, which is amazing. And within minutes I was swamped with requests and by 6:00 PM that night, a very sweet couple showed up and handed me the full price for it and carried it away.
And all of a sudden, now my Jen den looked so empty with that huge gap by the window. And I immediately noticed this longing that I had to have that sofa back, that beautiful seafoam sofa that I loved looking at so much. And in Buddhism, there's one lesson that I've learned about human nature being attached to air quote things, and it can be hard to let go of things that we're attached to.
And that's what I noticed that I was experiencing with this little sofa. And despite it being so uncomfortable, the most uncomfortable sofa I've ever had in my entire life, the least practical ever, I was amazed at how attached I was and how attached I'd become to it in less than two years. And as Pema Chodron, who's a Buddhist teacher would say,
"you are hooked". And hooked means that you are attached to whatever that is that you're attached to. In this case, it was an object. And it's really not a rational thinking to be attached to that, in my mind anyway. So I realized that this was a reminder of how my mind had really latched on to something that was now gone for my life.
And I had that feeling of longing and sadness, and it became a bit heightened. And the reality is that this is a human condition, whether you live with MS or not. In our operating system of our brain, we experience this feeling of getting hooked. But I believe that with MS, what happens is that we have these other layers because we experienced more loss often,
not always but often. And that can really ramp up in our lives, especially when we reflect back on our past, before living with MS. Our longing to go back to how life was before MS really becomes magnified. We really feel attached. We can feel really attached to that. One of the biggest losses on the physical level that I experienced when MS came to visit, and then moved into life permanently was the loss of my ability to be able to run. Running was so important to me because it helped me distress.
And when I ran, I was able to solve problems that I had been grappling with, whether in my work or personal life. And it gave me that physical outlet of release. And when I was done, it felt good. It may not have felt good, always at the time, but it felt good afterwards. I had to give up running and I really deeply grieved that loss.
And there was still a little sliver of hope in me that I could pick it up again at some point, but I realized that my calves hurt too much. And that being said, early in my new life with MS, maybe around seven months in, I started to actively meditate to calm my, my monkey mind and my nervous system. And I'd sit on my cushion at my little altar,
which was at that time was an old wood style fireplace that I put a candle on. I just let myself be with this. And what came to me instead of running was cycling. I could buy a new bike and I could start cycling again. And as soon as I made that decision to completely let go of running, when I was able to acknowledge the loss fully and accept this change,
not necessarily liking the change, but embracing the reality of the situation. My brain found this alternative solution, which I thought was quite amazing. Letting go of what's no longer possible, actually opens up the space for what's next, for what's possible. And our brains are truly amazing. And in that letting go process, our brains are able to discover other options,
other choices. I still miss running, but I'm not attached to not being able to run. And I think that's the difference rather than continuing to feel that anger, sadness, and resentment. When I see other people run, I don't feel that anymore. If I were feeling that, can you imagine the cost to me? If I hadn't let go,
if I was still attached to running, if it was still like alive in me in a big way, imagine that negative impact that would be running through my entire nervous system on a day-to-day basis, still holding on to all those feelings of anger and resentment, because I couldn't run 10 years later, which is now. So thank goodness. I was able to surrender to what I could no longer do,
what was not a part of my life. And that's the thing is when we can surrender to things that can no longer be part of our life. It's not a weakness, it's a strength. So let's unpack this a little bit further, because I started to get really curious when I was pondering this whole podcast with the sofa, I sold it, it was gone.
I experienced the attachment and loss, and then I decide to let go of being attached to it. And that really only took two days, right? Very little suffering involved in that, just a minor, minor amount. And it passed so quickly. But with running, it was such a huge loss for me. And it took time to accept that I can no longer run.
And as I said, I felt that anger, that loss, that grief and that process took about two years to really fully let go. It was sort of, it started seven months out, but it was still kind of lingering. And I noticed I would occasionally feel sad, but the attachment in some places was still there. I accepted that running would no longer be a part of my life.
So what I'd like to do is just take you through the steps that I went through to come out on that other side. And I'm inviting you to try this out for yourself and maybe you're already doing it and you're not conscious of it. Or maybe you will notice that you're quite conscious and aware of, of doing it. And everybody's going to have a different process of getting to this place.
So that's why I thought I would share this process with you. So the first step in this process really step number one is to recognize the loss, to just identify it. So for me, identifying that I could no longer run. And then step two is identifying the feelings that arise. And I know I've repeated them over and over again, but just really allowing myself and inviting you to allow yourself to feel that fully,
whether it's anger, grief, loss, resentment, whatever that might be for you frustration. So really being able to identify those feelings in yourself and allowing them to be there because when we push them away, they just get bigger. So just acknowledging them. Like it would be a parent acknowledging it to a child. And you can think of yourself as both of those people,
the parent, and the, the, the gentleness that you would acknowledge it to yourself as if you were a child in that loving way. And step three is about embracing that reality, embracing the reality that in my case, I could no longer run. And you might think, what is that for you? And start with one thing, when you go through this process,
don't have a whole laundry list, cause that's going to be really overwhelming. So number three, embracing the reality of the situation of something that you can no longer do, or half number four is accepting that loss. You might not like it, but it's about accepting that it's it's going to happen, or you're making that change. You're acknowledging that you're making this change.
And then number five is asking yourself what's possible now, or what's possible in stat, we're inviting those ideas and an alternative or an option. So really opening up to that possibility of something else. And number six is giving your brain the opportunity to answer that question when you ask what's possible now? Or what's possible instead of? And when you do that,
it's amazing. See, our brain has a part that's called the possibility brain. And that part is known as the neocortex. And the neocortex is very powerful and we all have it. Even when you've got MS, you've got a neocortex part of your brain, which is actually the newest part of the brain and is the possibility part. And when you can tap into that,
it's amazing that your mind can go to different places and show you solutions and alternatives that are going to be better for you based on your current life situation. I invite you to try this process and notice what happens to you. I've included all six steps in the transcript below. So check that out. That's your reference guide. And also below I've also included links to the Women
Thriving with MS Facebook page, the free private Facebook group, the YouTube channel for Women, Thriving with MS. I'm Jen DeTracey.
And before I go, I want to let you know you matter.
Join us again for another Women Striving to Thrive with MS podcast, and I'll see you soon.
